2 AM thoughts

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I want to be able to call someone at 2 a.m. and tell them why I can’t sleep, maybe I’m afraid my own thoughts.

I want to do that instead of eating my feelings out every night, sometimes an ice cream tub and sometimes 5 bags of malteasers.

I want to sit cross legged on the floor and look up to you when I’m talking. I want know if the stifling quietness is worse with or without you, because either way I can hear my own heartbeat.

I want to admit of the drama that I often live when I walk for hours every night, punch that bathroom door until my only functional hand is numb, then wrap it in a bag of ice cubes to at least give myself the reason to cry. That I often do quietly so no one would hear.

Can I tell you how much I hate the notifications. Sent, delivered, read and ignored.

Can I tell you how much regret I can take?
All the mistakes I made and I’m about to make?

Can you tell me you’re not sorry that you don’t like me as much as I like you?

Can you tell me that I need to learn how to survive on my own because it looks like I’ll be alone for a long time.

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