Rambling thoughts at 2 am

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They say “all good things come to he who waits.”

I’m running out of patience and it is starting to get to me.

Every night I go to sleep thinking about it. I guess that’s why, I have dreams about it – every night. They’re all kind of dreams. In my dream, I realize it’s a dream – every time – and I plead myself ‘don’t wake up’. I know it’s a dream, just let yourself live in the dream, don’t wake up. But my mind doesn’t listen to me.

Every morning, I wake up with sadness from the feeling of emptiness, from nothing changing. In attempt to fill this emptiness, the first thing I do, before washing my face or even turning on the lights, is to grab my phone at the speed of light and check if there is an update, any sign, any message.

Usually, there is none. I know that. Just some random notifications from everywhere and nothing I’m waiting for. I’m always in hopes of waking up to something I’ve been waiting for, but instead… there is nothing.

At this point, I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know how longer can I wait. Do I continue to pretend as if I’m not hurt that this hasn’t worked for me, and just patiently wait for things to happen?

I have given this a time bomb of years. I’m giving this another 2 months, this time I’m determined, everything must change.

Maybe, I don’t have to plead myself to stay in my dreamland of a better future.

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