Things I realised when I turned 31


Woke up with a feeling heavier than carrying the world on my arms; struggling between thirst and not wanting to leave the bed and grab a bottle of water.

We don’t talk, I miss you. I think the problem is our inner egos. My ego and self-respect, or maybe thoughts of dignity, won’t let me get over this and come across an end to it.

Closure is what comes to mind. Out of everything I could be thinking of at this early hour starting with my day, life, career, vacation, everything. All I could think of is you, what could you possibly be doing now…

I’m a collateral damage. Beyond fixing. Stuck in a circle that no one can get me out of, but myself and it makes me sad; apologising to myself for not being able to get out of this.

I’m sorry, I’m deeply sorry. I tried; it’s been years now and I’m still trying, but I’m getting tired and it’s going nowhere.

I love life more than anything and I did and still do everything I can to make it happen, but the burdens keep getting heavier and my shoulders are getting weaker by the day.

All of them dark thoughts spark at night, the time where TV gets boring then I’m out of cigarettes and I’m on the balcony wondering after my 3rd gin and tonic, in my boxers, in my comfort zone, looking at the beautiful skyline and my empty soul.

A lovers’ heart is the weakest creation of them all; it’s a living curse.

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